How to Get Yourself Out of a Funk
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From time to time, it is normal to find yourself feeling down or blue. After all, our moods are kind of like weather patterns, and it’s natural that they fluctuate. But there are aspects of our mood states that we do have control over, and that can be the difference between a brief bad mood and getting stuck in a funk.
For one thing, it can be helpful to know that a thought and a feeling are like two sides of the same coin. Meaning, if you have an unpleasant thought such as “I’m lonely,” you are going to have the feeling of loneliness. The emotion accompanies the cognition. Therefore, the more thought you put into your loneliness, the more potent the feeling of loneliness will be.
Now, I’m not saying you should try to control your lonely thoughts so you won’t feel that way. (See below paragraph about what we do and don’t have control over.) But what I am saying is that if you understand the link between thoughts and feelings, then there is more of a chance that you can turn your mood around. Instead of dwelling, you can choose to put your attention on something else. That could include taking an action that could shift your thinking, such as going outside or calling a friend. Or it could mean actively choosing to think about something else, with or without the help of an external stimulus like a podcast or guided meditation.
My next point: distinguishing what we have control over from what we don’t. For example, we don’t have much control over what thoughts enter our heads.
Thoughts are flowing through our heads 24 hours a day and many of them involuntarily appear before we can do anything about them. But, it’s how we relate to those thoughts that we do have control over. If you’ve ever meditated, then you have had the experience of observing your thoughts. It is that observation aspect of our minds that has the most control – not of the thoughts themselves but of how much we engage with them.
In meditation, the idea is to be a neutral observer of one’s thoughts and feelings, not getting hooked into any one thought or feeling. In that way, the observer allows all the thoughts and feelings to flow in and out of one’s awareness.
We can apply that practice as we go through our days, thinking our thoughts and feeling our feelings without taking all of them so seriously. We can learn that we don’t have to be afraid of our thoughts and feelings. We can experience the fluctuations of our moods without being worried that they signify something is really wrong with us. It can be a huge relief to realize that no feeling (no matter how unpleasant) is forever. All thoughts come and go; all feelings shift. By “going with the flow”, we can have an easier time with life, and we’re less likely to get stuck.
In simplest terms, feelings just are. Meaning, it’s not the feeling that is ever the problem, it’s the thoughts we have about the feelings, the meaning we give them. Let’s say you’re feeling sad. Sometimes you may not know why you’re feeling that way (which I will discuss later in the blog). But, let’s say you’re feeling sad after having an argument with a friend. Now, on the one hand that is to be expected. Arguments can use up a lot of emotional energy and can leave you depleted. But, on top of that are the storylines going through your head about the argument: she must hate me; the friendship is probably over; why couldn’t she have seen things my way; I suck at friendships. The stories running through your mind are feeding your sad emotional state.
The fact is, you don’t know that any of those statements are true, and the last, self-loathing statement is the nail in the coffin. (One way to stay perpetually in a funk is to judge yourself harshly for your thoughts and actions). The truth is the less we get entangled in our own narratives about upsetting events, the easier it is to recover from them. Instead of making up catastrophic stories, all we need to say to ourselves is: I’m sad. Period. When we simply feel the feelings and let them flow through and out, we feel relief sooner.
The fact is that we humans are always adding meaning to our thoughts and experiences. However, you get to choose the meaning. You can choose a negative meaning or a more favorable one. It really is your choice. In the above example, you could just say to yourself, I’m sad because we had a disagreement. I don’t know how things will turn out, but all I know is I’m sad now and it will pass. You could also add the meaning: it was a difficult conversation but it needed to happen. You see, it’s up to you on how you frame it.
Another way we can add intensity to our bad emotional states is by overanalyzing them. Let’s say you’re feeling down but you don’t really know why. You could spend the next several hours – or days – going over all the details of your present life and your entire childhood in order to uncover why you feel sad. But, what if you are just experiencing a bad mood because the chemicals in your body are just going through a shift? Perhaps it doesn’t have anything to do with any of the reasons you think. Or maybe it does in this instance. Either way, the analysis is keeping you stuck in the sad thoughts and memories.
Most of us spend more time and energy analyzing ourselves and our problems than is actually helpful. What is more helpful is putting your mind in a reflective state. You can do that through meditation or taking a walk or some calming activity like knitting. Rather than actively trying to “figure out” your sadness through analysis, you’re much more likely to have a helpful insight this way, when your mind is more relaxed and receptive.
Another surefire way to stay in a funk is by fighting your feelings or trying to escape from them (not to be confused with putting your focus elsewhere, which still allows your feelings to flow through). This appears to be human nature to some degree. We don’t like unpleasant feelings so we want out of them. Oftentimes, we are afraid of them. We are afraid that we won’t be able to stop crying or that our anger will overwhelm ourselves or others. We are afraid we will lose control. But it is the fear of the feelings that is the real problem.
If we feel sad and become afraid we are falling into a depression, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy; the more we fear our sadness, the more we sink into despair. Likewise, struggling against your feelings makes them worse and does not succeed in freeing you. Like the insect in the spider web, the more we struggle, the more caught we become.
What is most important to understand is that it is safe to feel your feelings. They are not forever. They cannot destroy you. If you are a person who has difficulty regulating your feelings because of trauma you have endured, it can certainly feel like your feelings are not safe. But, once you get help in learning how to self-regulate, you will realize that you are ok no matter what you are feeling.
We can get stuck in a negative headspace when we keep trying to change circumstances that are out of our control, or wishing that a situation were different. Trying to control things that are out of our control makes everything more difficult. For example, if a romantic partner has ended a relationship and made it clear they don’t want to reconcile, trying to change that situation is going to keep you feeling down, as is spending time and energy wishing for a different outcome.
Understandably, feelings of loss and rejection are incredibly difficult, but by learning to accept situations rather than holding onto fantasies, we can greatly reduce the amount of time we spend wallowing. Additionally, acceptance of ourselves as we are and of other people as they show themselves can greatly reduce the disappointments we feel in life.
Another point about this is that while we don’t have control over circumstances, our thoughts about them can change. One day you might feel like you are trapped in a job you hate, and a few days later you might actually realize you are grateful for the job and the learning opportunities it is affording you. So your perspective on a situation can be very fluid if you are open to it changing. It can be a huge relief to know you are never actually trapped or stuck.
As a last recommendation, I will offer this takeaway: when you’re in a funk beware of rumination and isolation. Rumination is that tendency we have to replay things in our minds, overanalyze or dwell. As a rule of thumb, anything you can do to interrupt that tendency can be helpful. Isolation tends to intensify the effects of rumination.
When we are in our own echo chamber of negative thoughts, the distortions grow and we become more disconnected from reality. So if you do nothing else, work against rumination by engaging your mind in other pursuits or even better, moving your body. Go for a walk, go exercise, do some qi gong or even some jumping jacks – anything to short circuit your brain so you can get out of overthinking. Work against isolation by reaching out to connect with others. The more you isolate, the harder it becomes to make reaching a regular habit in your life.
When it comes to our emotional states, we often have more agency than we think. Simple shifts of cognition and attention can be the difference between seeing life through a clear or murky filter.
