Did Your Relationship Pass the Pandemic Test?

Whether your relationship passed the pandemic test or not, you might be wondering, “what’s next?”

The past year tested us on many levels, and perhaps nothing was tested more than intimate relationships.  Early on in the pandemic, many relationships with longstanding vulnerabilities cracked under pressure and there was an uptick in breakups and divorces.  For these, the pandemic was truly the straw that broke the camel’s back.  Many other couples had the experience of their relationship growing stronger as a result of weathering the pandemic together, finding that their partnership was stable and resilient enough to withstand the challenges.

Now, as the pandemic is ending, there is a third group emerging:  those that stayed together and bonded for the entirety of the pandemic but found that too much time together in a pressurized situation resulted in ruptures that could not be repaired. For newer couples it was too much too soon, before a strong foundation could be built, or it was a test the relationship couldn’t pass.  For others it was companionship and security during a time of uncertainty, but that gave way to a desire for freedom or a need for space in the wake of it.  

So where do you fall in this lineup?

If you are one of the people whose relationship didn’t survive the pandemic, I’m sure you know on some level that it was a pressurized situation that was a test for all relationships.  In many ways, it was the test that many needed in order to determine if they had the strength to endure.  Perhaps never before in our lifetime have relationships been tested in quite this way.  Not only were couples spending 24/7 together, but many had extra pressures piled on, including childcare and education, domestic duties and the need to quickly adjust to remote work.

On top of these added pressures, each person was serving as the primary emotional support for the other, and while that is essentially the point of a committed relationship, normally the support is spread out among extended family and friends.  With each person relying on the other to satisfy all their needs, there were bound to be issues.  And for whatever resentments were bubbling up, it was difficult to find outlets.  There was no going to the gym or out to the bar with friends to blow off steam.  Add the lack of space and privacy and you ended up with a number of imploding or erupting relationships.   

All of this is to say that it’s a miracle any of us survived quarantine, and so if you’re harboring any self-blame or regret, perhaps you can see that these were incredibly trying circumstances and you did the very best you could under those circumstances.  If your relationship ended early on, perhaps the pandemic simply brought about the inevitable and maybe it was even a welcome relief in some ways – an opportunity to finally quit something that wasn’t working.

Even though a breakup or divorce is undeniably sad, it is also the acknowledgment that something has to end in order for both people to actually have a chance at happiness.

If your relationship has ended more recently, perhaps you can find some appreciation for what you did have – a companion and someone to ride out the storm with.  And perhaps you didn’t have what it takes to make it long term, but that person will always occupy a special place in your memories – the pandemic bond.  But again, it’s important to acknowledge how hard this must have been for both of you and have compassion for what you both went through.  For many, it is time to seek professional help to process what happened over the past year – to let go of the hurt and trauma and make space for what is to come.    

Finally, for those of you who made it through (and even grew stronger perhaps), it might be a good time to take a look at how your relationship has shifted – for better or for worse during the pandemic.  It might be time to make some adjustments out of a pandemic response and back into a more balanced way of relating.  You might even initiate a conversation to debrief now that the dust is settling.  A question to ask is: What have you both learned about yourselves and each other from the past year?       

One thing that may have happened while you were tag-teaming domestic chores and childcare responsibilities was taking each other for granted to some degree.  It’s possible that was happening some time before the pandemic, too, but during lockdown there were no date nights and few opportunities to get off the hamster wheel of daily responsibilities.  In addition, if there were resentments about who was doing more, there might have been a tendency to withhold words of appreciation.

If you haven’t already, it might be a good time to acknowledge everything you both managed to pull off together.  There may have been stress, tension and pressure, but somehow you kept the machine running.  And now you might want to make a habit of getting back to giving words of affirmation and appreciation.  Everyone likes to feel appreciated and acknowledged, and if you give, you are also more likely to receive.     

During the pandemic, perhaps you enjoyed each other’s company and got used to not seeing anyone else.  For many, that situation became a bit too comfortable, and some couples have almost forgotten how to do things on their own.  In this case, it might be good to take more time apart now.

The healthiest relationships are interdependent, not codependent.  Regular separation is healthy, and if you have been arguing more frequently or getting on each other’s nerves, that is often a sign of too much time together.  You can leave the house now, so make an effort to go see friends and engage in the activities that you used to do on your own.  When both people take care of themselves and pursue some of their own interests, they make a healthier partnership. 

In a similar vein, with all that time spent together many couples had the “roommate syndrome” emerge – the phenomenon in which sexual intimacy drops off and they become more like roommates.  It’s another effect of the stress and pressures of the pandemic (total mood killers), as well as too much togetherness.  Hopefully, you both are feeling that some of the burdens have eased up recently and you can begin to find time for intimacy again.

There are also other ways to bring that part of your relationship back to life.  Taking time apart leads to missing each other (distance makes the heart grow fonder) and then there is more joy in seeing each other at the end of the separation.  Some couples are choosing to go back to the office for this reason.  Also, if you haven’t already, it might be good to start having date nights again.  There is value in putting in the effort to get a little dressed up and go have a new shared experience together, whether it’s at a new restaurant or to see some kind of entertainment.  It’s important to break up the routine and put the focus on the pure enjoyment of each other’s company outside of the struggles of day to day.      

And along those lines, why not try some new activities together?  Research has shown that novelty and adventure are great for sparking the libido.  Activities that get your adrenaline pumping can be especially great for igniting that spark, but even just going out and having fun, playing, and being silly together can do the trick.  Even getting together with friends again can shake things up in a good way.  It’s good to be reminded of parts of your partner that only come out in social settings.    

All of this is to say that you have earned a badge for making it through an incredibly trying year, now is the time to evaluate the gains and losses and consider how you want to move forward.