How to Determine the Best Self-Improvement Approach For You
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Did you know that September is Self-Improvement Month? The desire to grow and improve oneself is definitely one of the more commendable of human traits, and one I naturally fully support. But in today’s world there can be so much noise about what you can or should do to improve, how do you know what is right for you?
The answer to that question lies in learning to truly listen to yourself. There are countless experts out in the world who will tell you how to improve, but only you can discover what will work for you. You are your own expert. There are many people with many good ideas, but when we just accept other people’s methods and ideas without really checking in with ourselves, we are more likely to either not get the results we want, or we will be trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. As Steve Jobs famously put it, "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice." But, many people ask, how do I hear my inner voice? How do I know what is my truth vs. the messages from others?
We can all learn to listen from a deeper place, and it’s easier to do so when you’re in a quieter state of mind. Most people would say they recognize their intuition speaking to them, or they feel things in their gut, but they don’t always listen to them. So when you’re contemplating a new program or new tool, first notice, does it resonate with you on a deeper level? Many things sound like good ideas, even exciting ideas, but does it feel right in your body? One key thing about deeper listening and trusting your intuition is that there is no rush. If you find yourself compulsively wanting to try the next self-improvement trend, it might not be a bad idea to wait for a period of time. If it continues to come to mind over time, then maybe it’s worth a try.
Then you can test things out. For example, if everyone is telling you you should try meditation, well first you’re welcome to tell them to go jump in a river if it doesn’t interest you. Meditation is big now, but it isn’t the only road to Rome. However if it does pique your interest, then by all means try it. See if it works for you. You may love it; it might be just the thing you needed to settle your mind. Or you might hate it. If you hate it, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It just might not be the thing for you. (Side note: Some people do find that they learn to like meditation over time so you can keep at it for a while if you’re so inclined and see if your experience shifts). But my main point is that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all method of self-improvement. If a self-improvement book isn’t landing right, it just may not be true for you. However, if you find yourself saying “aha” on the regular, then keep reading. Notice what you keep coming back to, what feels really good when you do it.
If you’re still feeling pulled in many directions or unsure where to start, then focus on a specific area of your life in which you would like to see the most growth right now. The good news is that if you experience growth in one area of your life, inevitably other areas will start to evolve, as well. That is because we are whole people and so change is a holistic process. Let’s say you have decided you want to work on clear communication – speaking your truth more and setting boundaries (which often means saying no and standing up for yourself). Once you’ve set that goal, you can start with micro-adjustments. For example, if your default is to say yes when someone asks you to commit to something, the next time it happens, pause first. Check in with yourself: is this something you really have time or energy for? Is this something you really want to do or do you feel obligated? Will saying yes stretch you too thin or take away from the accomplishment of a personal goal? Then try saying no and see what happens. Saying no once and tolerating the outcome will make it easier to say no in the future. Change most often happens in small increments, one micro-adjustment at a time.
One last thing I want to say about self-improvement is about the trap of endless self-improvement. While of course I am a proponent of processes that foster growth, self-improvement can become a habit rooted in feelings of inadequacy or perfectionism. Many of the messages in our society are geared towards triggering feelings of lack or inadequacy in order to sell stuff. Or if we spend a lot of time on social media, we can start to believe that we have to live up to the images of perfection we see there. That’s why my job as a psychotherapist and life coach is to first help clients with self-acceptance. There is a paradox in which if you really want to change something about yourself, the first step is to accept and embrace that part of you, as is.
Remarkably when people radically accept themselves, the things that once seemed so difficult to change often effortlessly transform. I heard one person put it this way: “When I stopped fighting my nicotine addiction or making myself a bad person for it, I was finally able to put cigarettes down for good.” So before you pick up another self-improvement tool, maybe you should consider the fact that you are whole and perfect as you are right now. If you can embrace that truth, then there is no need to fix something that you perceive is damaged, broken or not enough. Instead, self-improvement can be an adventure in self-discovery and a way to be more effective and a force of good in your own life and the world at large.
With that, if I can be of any support to you on your self-improvement or self-acceptance journey, you know where to find me.