How to Define What Success Looks Like for You
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In the U.S., we are conditioned to seek “success”; it’s baked into the American Dream. How many books have been sold about the secrets to success? Everyone wants a piece of the success pie. But what success looks like to each person is very different and you want to make sure you are seeking success of your own making versus a version of success espoused by family, peers or society at large. When we pursue success based on others’ definitions of it, we are fairly likely to end up miserable.
It's important to know that success and happiness are not the same thing, so if you are ultimately seeking happiness, that is another blog post. The Oxford dictionary defines success as “the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.” In the U.S., those aims often equate to wealth, status and/or power, but there are many problems with this definition. For one, what happens when you attain those things? Oftentimes, you spend the majority of your time and energy trying to maintain them because success isn’t a permanent state of being. Staying successful becomes its own hamster wheel, and many people can’t sustain it. All you have to do is look at fallen icons who “had everything” and ended up self-destructing or losing their fortunes. Or politicians who will say or do anything to make sure they stay in power.
Success is a slippery concept, as the end goal can tend to move further away the closer you get. That is because we are often anticipating certain experiences as a result of reaching certain benchmarks. For example, making a million dollars might be one person’s idea of success, but once reached, that person suddenly doesn’t feel successful in comparison to the billionaires in the world. Or the success didn’t actually get them what they thought it would – happiness, security or some other intangible thing. What looked like success on the outside (when looking at others) doesn’t feel like success on the inside. It just is, of course, life in a different guise. At the end of the day, all those “successful” people you are emulating or envious of are just normal people with real world problems like the rest of us.
As Oxford points out, any aim or purpose can be the end goal – not specifically money or fame.
I say this to make the case that success really can be anything you feel is meaningful and fulfilling as you are doing it. Because at the end of the day, what is the point of money if you are not able to enjoy your life? Or if you can never get enough of it. Or you are constantly worrying about losing it. And status is a double-edged sword if you are expending all your energy trying to maintain it. Maintaining status is a full-time job, and an expensive one, so make sure you know what you are signing up for.
Sadly, the outside-in version of success is dominant in our culture, which is why so many people feel “not enough” on the inside. Too many people are comparing themselves to the influencers of the moment, not realizing that their success is transitory – as transitory as the latest viral post. And also, these curated images say absolutely nothing about what these people’s lives are actually like.
So how do you define success for yourself then?
It requires that you reorient yourself to a sense of internal validation versus external validation. It means learning the difference between the dopamine hit you get from multiple likes on your IG or TikTok and the sense of wellbeing and connection that you feel when you are fully engaged in an activity or pursuit that you truly love.
There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting money or recognition, but the question I ask is: is the path to these aims worth it? In other words, I see success as the journey not the destination. If having a lot of money is the destination, are you enjoying the journey along the way? If you have a high paying job that you hate, is it worth it? Some people might say yes because they want the freedom to do whatever they want on evenings and weekends. But others might say, “You couldn’t pay me enough to sacrifice 60+ hours a week of my life for something that I detest.” And those are the questions you need to ask yourself.
If you choose to take a path that has fewer certain financial rewards but a higher likelihood of intrinsic fulfillment, that is still success if fulfillment is your priority over status or money. It doesn’t mean you won’t get the latter, but it is important to know what your priorities are. Likewise, if wealth, status or power are your aims, what happens if you don’t reach your targets? Will you feel you wasted the time you spent in the attempt? Or would you be able to find satisfaction in having played the game?
It is also very important to note the small successes. If we are always chasing a grand vision and never stopping to take stock, our lives are going to feel pretty empty. Some people keep a journal of their daily successes. And again, success will look different for different people. One person might list successes of the day as: got in a half hour workout, paid this month’s rent, sent out 3 resumes. For another it might be: lost one pound, bought a dress I feel really good in, asked for a raise. Whether small or big, it’s the internal validation that is going to ultimately have the most juice in life. Constantly seeking external validation leads to an endless drive for unreliable results. But when you know how to satisfy your soul without needing anything from outside sources, then success is yours for the taking.
In the meantime, I leave you with a few questions to ponder as you define success for yourself:
Can I see myself enjoying doing this for a long time?
Do I want this enough to go through hard times in pursuit of it?
What are the values I desire from my pursuits? (Enjoyment, freedom, peace, security?) Are there other ways to attain those?
What if I don’t reach my target? Will I feel it was still worth the attempt?