Resolution Reset
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Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I would say this definition could be applied to the way many of us make New Year’s resolutions. That is, every year you make up a list of your big goals and commitments for the year and vow to execute them to the letter, and then less than 3 weeks into the new year, you’re out of gas. Or the Universe has already thrown a wrench into your plans. This phenomenon is so common that a holiday was created to acknowledge it: Ditch Resolutions Day on January 17th. Yes, by January 17th each year most people have already given up and thrown in the towel. If you are one of those people, this article is for you.
If you have decided to ditch your resolutions, maybe you want to rethink them instead. The problem with resolutions tends to be that we approach them with a combination of will power, lofty expectations and all-or-nothing thinking. Often people end up feeling like failures because they couldn’t do what they set out to do. But more often than not, people’s expectations of themselves and what they can accomplish are unrealistic, not because these people are inadequate, but because changing habits or creating new ones is a process, and life sometimes gets in the way.
First off, what if instead of infusing so much energy into initiating your goals (and then petering out), you made a mental adjustment: that by the end of the year, you will have accomplished a, b and c. That way, you have the whole year to create new habits and find what works for you in terms of implementing them. The truth is that rarely is a resolution made and then carried out perfectly thereafter. That’s just not how change works. Most of the time progress happens in fits and starts – 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. That is actually the norm, not the exception.
Set more realistic, manageable goals for yourself. When it comes to change, the path of least resistance is going to be the more sustainable one. For example, if your goal is to get up at 5 am and go to the gym 5 days a week (and you haven’t been doing that before), then you are very likely to give up pretty quickly the first time you end up hitting snooze instead. A better approach would be to take one small step out of your comfort zone. Make a goal of getting up at 5 am one day this week, see how that feels and if it is actually realistic to consider continuing. If you are able to do one day a week for several weeks, then try adding another day and see how that feels. Easy does it, and you are more likely to stick to it. If you don’t succeed in doing it once, then perhaps it isn’t a realistic goal for you. What is the time you are most likely to want to exercise or have less resistance around it? Try that time instead. Make it more about experimentation than rigid rules that are impossible to follow.
When it comes to will power, well, it’s just not that reliable. There are those folks who seem to have an iron will at their disposal, but most of us lowly humans have fluctuating levels of will power, if you want to call it that. I would look at it more in terms of fluctuating states of mind. When we are feeling optimistic, energetic and confident, we tend to be able to carry out our goals more effectively. However, if we wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or we are hungry, tired or stressed, will power tends to go out the window. And so then we are less likely to complete the tasks we said we would and then we feel like a failure. However, if we understand that fluctuations in state of mind can affect our ability to carry out certain tasks, we can factor that into our goals. For example, if I did have an especially exhausting day on Monday, I would not set my alarm for 5 am on Tuesday. That would be a setup for failure. If I set my alarm for 5 am on Wednesday and still hit snooze, I wouldn’t beat myself up for it. I would simply try again tomorrow. We humans are so hard on ourselves, and it doesn’t help us to achieve our goals any better. But in general, success isn’t about will power; it is about persistence – the willingness to keep trying.
And that leads to the all-or-nothing thinking problem; the “all” being the unrealistic expectations you set for yourself, and the attitude that, well, I couldn’t do it so I’m clearly a failure and will give up altogether. These ideals that many of us are trying to live up to – where did they come from anyway? If we are trying to be superhuman, we are going to end up being disappointed every time. Instead, embrace your humanity and the incremental process of change. Be patient and gentle with yourself and you will ultimately achieve more than you could have imagined. Rather than giving up when you slip and giving yourself a hard time for doing so, it’s about simply starting again. As Henry Ford said, “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.”
My last point, along the lines of embracing your humanity, is that perhaps your life is actually fine the way it is. If your resolutions aren’t working for you, it’s ok to ditch them. The desire to grow and change is a positive quality, but there is also nothing wrong with accepting yourself just the way you are now. There can be freedom in saying “no” to resolutions or New Year’s goals and just being open to what the year brings you.